June 6: Daily Double

RUSTY and STUPID HUMAN are watching TV.CONTESTANT: I'll take "Cats" for 400.
ALEX TREBEK: The answer there: This breed of cat, originating on the Isle of Man off the British coast, is the only breed without a tail.
RUSTY: The Manx. Those poor bastards.
ME: Nice one. You know all the breeds?
RUSTY: Of course.
ME: And yet, humans, not so much. You saw a picture of Kim Kardashian and asked me what I was doing on TV.
RUSTY: The moustache confused me.
ME: Well played.
RUSTY: We can't tell you apart hardly at all. If you didn't have a scent we wouldn't recognize you one day to the next.
ME: Really?
RUSTY: To us you all look like chimpanzees who've gotten into the Nair.
ALEX TREBEK: The answer: The other Daily Double!
CONTESTANT: True daily double, please, Alex.
ALEX: For the lead, then, here is your clue: This cat, larger than most, is the only breed originating and domesticated in the USA.
RUSTY: Maine Coon.
CONTESTANT thinks silently.
RUSTY: Maine Coon!
CONTESTANT: I have no idea.
RUSTY: MAINE COON! YOU IDIOT!
ME: You know they can't hear you, right?
ALEX TREBEK: Oh, that's too bad. The answer is what is the Maine Coon...the Maine Coon. OK, plenty of time, pick again.
RUSTY: Do these people not screen their contestants? Is this what passes for smart in the human world?
ME: You think you're so smart, build me a computer.
RUSTY: We're so goddamn smart, we don't NEED computers.
CONTESTANT: "Cats" for 2000.
ALEX TREBEK: Answer: The male cat is called a "Tom." The female cat is known as this girl's name.
RUSTY: Molly.
ME: I've never heard of that. Is that true or are you telling tales?
"TIME RUNS OUT" SOUND beeps.
ALEX TREBEK: Correct response, what is a "Molly."
RUSTY: Is it a burden, having a cat who's smarter than you?
ME: What's this? (places hand under blanket and flexes fingers) Get the mouse! Get the mouse Rusty!
RUSTY, wide-eyed, stalks and pounces.
ME: That was my hand, genius. Nice butt wiggle, though.
RUSTY (walking away): Gonna get that stupid mouse one of these days...