June 27: How'd He Learn Latin?

RUSTY: And where have you been?
ME: "Wherever I have been, I am back."
RUSTY: I've read the Lord of the Rings books, you aren't impressing me.
ME: We don't quote books to impress people.
RUSTY (laughing): Yes you do!
ME: Well, sometimes. It...wait, how?
RUSTY: How what?
ME: How have you read those books? Or any books for that matter?
RUSTY: I use your glasses.
ME: No, I mean...eh, nevermind.
RUSTY: So where have you been? You smell funny.
ME: You might smell my buddy's cat. He's pretty friendly.
RUSTY: I thought I was your buddy.
ME: Humans have more than one friend.
RUSTY: I knew that. I was just surprised YOU  did.
ME: You're a ray of sunshine, anyone ever tell you that?
RUSTY: It's an interesting smell. (Sniffles STUPID HUMAN's leg) Felis catus Linnaeus. (Sniffs) Male. Intact, the lucky bastard.
ME: That's right. That's not bad.
RUSTY: (Sniffs again) Orange tabby. Polydactyl.
ME: Poly whattle?
RUSTY: Thumbs. Shut up a second. (Sniffs) His standard diet is salmon-flavored kibble. He pooped right before he rubbed up against you. HA! There's THAT mystery solved. He was wiping with you.
ME: Eh, go back to Iran.
RUSTY: That's Persia, infidel. (Sniffs) He mated with a female Siamese with a notched ear and no tail about six hours ago.
ME: OK, I'm calling bullshit here. How can you know that by the smell?
RUSTY: Call up your friend and ask him if there's a cat like that in the neighborhood.
ME: I will do no such thing.
RUSTY: Then accept my genius. BOW TO ME!
ME: I'm about to make the stupidest phone call of my life.
RUSTY: I doubt that very much.
(A FEW MINUTES LATER)
RUSTY: Well?
ME: Female Siamese with a notched ear and no tail in the apartment above them.
RUSTY: You know what you have to do.
ME: mumble mumble mumble...
RUSTY: WHAT? Speak up, Ape man! I can't quite hear you.
ME: I bow to thee, I bow to thee, I bow to thee.
RUSTY: Next time, I'd like it in Latin. It'd be "inflecto vobis."
ME: Kill you in your sleep.
RUSTY: What?
ME: Nothing.