June 10: Aftermath

RUSTY is staring straight ahead, not looking at STUPID HUMAN.
ME: I'm sorry, buddy.
RUSTY twitches his tail angrily.
ME: Rusty, don't be like this.
RUSTY: SO ignoring you right now.
ME: Come over here, Rusty cat. We'll talk about it.
RUSTY: Yeah, like that's gonna happen. I don't come at call when I like you. No, here's how it's going to work: I'm going to spend the next twenty minutes grooming myself while ignoring you, then I will bat around the catnip snake for a spell - while ignoring you - and then I will spend the rest of my entire LIFE ignoring you.
ME: Fair enough.
UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE fills the room.
ME: It's not like I did it personally.
RUSTY (angrily) I believe I registered my dissatisfaction with being shaved in advance of this little escapade?
ME: Yes you did.
RUSTY: I believe I did so in such a way as to convey the EXTENT of my dissatisfaction?
ME: I love it how you channel Perry Mason when you're upset.
RUSTY: You shave HIM too?
ME: He was a...yes, Rusty, I shaved him too.
RUSTY: Was this before or after you cut off his balls?
ME: That was a long time ago, man, you're gonna need to get over it.
RUSTY: I didn't want to be shaved, and you knew it.
ME: An opinion you held until I offered you eighty cents worth of tuna.
RUSTY jumps to the armrest of the sofa.
RUSTY: Look at me.
ME: I see you.
RUSTY: LOOK AT ME!
ME: Rusty, I'm looking right at you. I think you look fine. Dial the drama back.
RUSTY: You realize you have more hair than me now?
ME: Got my testicles, too.
RUSTY: How long you been married?
ME: Good point. Nevermind.
RUSTY: Never getting shaved again, monkey boy.
ME: Ok. (starts scratching RUSTY's chin) Who's a good boy? Is it you?
RUSTY climbs on to STUPID HUMAN's lap and starts to purr.
RUSTY: You're still a jerk.
ME: And you look like a salami growing a disgusting orange mold.
RUSTY: I'm going to take a nap. If you get up in the next four hours, I'm taking a crap in your dress shoes.