Friday, July 11, 2014

July 11: Express Yourself

RUSTY: Never let it be said I never give you anything.
ME: Hairballs, puddles of urine, broken glasses, ruined furniture: you're like Santa Claus as it is. I would never say you never give me anything.
RUSTY: Well this is new. I wrote a poem for you.
ME: For me?
RUSTY: Well, more like about you. May I?
ME: Against every instinct in my body, go right ahead.
RUSTY:     You captured my body, but never my soul;
    You hate me and hurt me, remove my control.
    You've stolen my cathood, my honor, my pride.
    You show me the world yet you keep me inside.
ME: Hey. I didn't capture any damn body. I rescued your sorry ass. From a KILL SHELTER. You'd do well to remember that, Shakespeare.
RUSTY: I'm not done.
ME: Yes you are.
RUSTY: You can't just shut off creativity, you know. I can see how your simian brain can't grasp the nuances, the subtleties, of my poetry.
ME: Well first of all, it's empty doggerel with greeting-card meter and all the emotional weight of a high-school student's creative writing project.
RUSTY: That actually hurt a little bit.
ME: Second of all, none of that is true.
RUSTY: It's called poetic license. What am I gonna write about, that you scritch me behind the ears real good and that you give me tuna when I want it? That's like cat porn, man. I don't roll like that.
ME: Get any fatter and you'll roll, all right.
RUSTY: You think you can do any better?
ME: Writing this kind of garbage? I could wipe the floor with you. I actually HAVE wiped the floor with you.
RUSTY: I'm not going to apologize for having a multi-function coat that attracts dust and locks it away.
ME: Is this some sort of challenge?
RUSTY: Those who can't do, bitch about it. Those that can't bitch about
ME: Quit while you're behind, wordsmith.
RUSTY: Yes, this is a challenge. Write a quatrain about me that is better than the one I wrote about you.
ME: And the stakes?
RUSTY: If you win, I will pee in the litterbox and nowhere else for an entire week.
ME: If you win, you get the whole can of wet food for a week, instead of a half can.
RUSTY: Agreed.
ME: Agreed.
RUSTY: You have three minutes.
ME: I don't need three minutes. Here you go:
    Sleeps for seventeen hours and asks where the day went;
    Makes household decisions but never a payment.
    Conceited and pompous, we laugh when you purr -
    No wonder that we enjoy shaving your fur.
RUSTY: Well, I guess you win.
ME: I guess I do.
RUSTY: I'm going to take a nap. Congratulations. (Walks away)
ME: You're pissing in the bathtub, aren't you?
RUSTY: Only thing YOU won is some of my pee to clean up, jackass.

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

July 8: Assault and Pepper

ME: What's the matter with you? Looks like you went twelve rounds with Joe Frasier.
RUSTY: Joe Frasier wouldn't last two minutes against my unleashed fury - which I swear to god I am THIS CLOSE to showing you now.
ME: Dude, chillax.
RUSTY: Don't you EVER use that word in my presence.
ME: Just tell me what's bothering you.
RUSTY: You gotta talk to her, man.
ME: Who?
RUSTY: Your mate.
ME: And in what incredibly not-perturbing way did she perturb you this time?
RUSTY: She's trying to amputate my paws.
ME: Without knowing the story, I'm going to go ahead and assume that she is not, in fact, trying to amputate your paws.
RUSTY: She's got this thing. It could snap my forepaw like nothing.
ME: She's trying to clip your nails, Rusty.
RUSTY: Well she can knock that shit off right now.
ME: Have you seen what you do to this house?
RUSTY: Instill a sense of gravitas and dry yet insightful sense of humor?
ME: You destroy everything.
RUSTY (taken aback): Beg pardon?
ME: Sofa arms. Blankets. Table legs too. Every vertical surface disfigured by you. You killed the shower curtain and pulled down the rings.
RUSTY: "These are a few of my favorite things..."
ME: Pull it together, man. I need you to focus.
RUSTY: Sorry.
ME: You need to keep your claws trimmed.
RUSTY: All of a sudden you need a manicure to stay in this joint?
ME: Seriously. What does it hurt?
RUSTY: You mean, besides my pride, my own tenuous grip on my glory days of freedom, and my last shreds of feline honor? I don't think so, Jack.
ME: Why were you just looking away?
RUSTY: I was facing the camera.
ME: Dude you have GOT to start watching less TV.
RUSTY: I like TV.
ME: Let me make you a proposition.
RUSTY: I'm listening.
ME: You may keep your nails as long as you like.
RUSTY: If...
ME: I have two conditions.
RUSTY: Now who's creating melodrama?
ME: When there is a turd stuck to your fur, you must remove it yourself, immediately after discovery. We will no longer perform this task.
ME: I thought you'd see things my way,
RUSTY: Just out of curiosity, what was the other condition?
ME: I didn't think you'd ever even want to hear it.
RUSTY: Just tell me.
ME: You were gonna have to walk into a hardware store and buy mouse traps, and say "I need these because I'm a terrible mouser and a BAD KITTY," while I took pictures and threw stuff at you.
RUSTY: It was just a shower curtain, man, let go of the anger.

Friday, July 4, 2014

Happy 4th of July!

In observance of Independence Day, there will be no Conversation today.

Enjoy the day off.

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

July 1: No Double Entendres Here

ME: What was all that destruction a few minutes ago? What the hell were you two up to?
RUSTY: That was all Other Cat's fault.
ME: Her name is Maya.
RUSTY: Whatever.
ME: What did she do?
RUSTY: She gave me that look that says, roughly, "chase me through the house until we break a lamp," and off we went.
ME: And one time you can't just go back to sleep?
RUSTY: The blood of my Cheetah ancestors runs hot within me.
ME: You're not related to the cheetah, you idiot.
RUSTY: Look it up. They're in Persia.
ME: That means they're your neighbors, not your freakin' grandparents.
RUSTY: Yeah, well, whoever my ancestors were, YOUR ancestors were scared to death of them.
ME: And oh, how the mighty have fallen.
RUSTY: Superior eye-paw coordination.
ME: Walk on two legs.
RUSTY: See six times better than you at night.
ME: Problem-solving skills.
RUSTY: Over 100 million olfactory nerves.
ME: Opposable thumbs. Game, set, match.
RUSTY: (Pauses) Yeah, that's a good one.
ME: Thumbs rule, man.
RUSTY: I could accomplish great things with thumbs.
ME: What's the first thing you do with them?
RUSTY: You mean, after I choke the shit out of you?
ME: Yes, Rusty, after that.
RUSTY: I'd learn to use the doorknob.
ME: And here I was hoping you'd learn to flush the toilet.
RUSTY: Then I'd get in that drawer you keep the catnip in, and I would never leave.
ME: You degenerate.
RUSTY: Ohh man. Do you have any idea what it's like, to breathe in the vapors of a plant and get high?
ME: Let's go with no.
RUSTY: That's too bad, because it's freakin' awesome.
ME: I can only imagine.
RUSTY: After that, I guess, the sky's the limit. Learn to drive, speaking engagements, develop a following, get elected, and run things my way.
ME: Then annex Austria, I'm guessing?
RUSTY: Hitler jokes are NEVER funny.
ME: Sorry, man, but you were heading off the rails a little bit there. Besides, you'd never be elected, what with your catnip problem and everything...
RUSTY: My reputation would be ruined.
ME: Shamed before the world.

Saturday, June 28, 2014

June 27: How'd He Learn Latin?

RUSTY: And where have you been?
ME: "Wherever I have been, I am back."
RUSTY: I've read the Lord of the Rings books, you aren't impressing me.
ME: We don't quote books to impress people.
RUSTY (laughing): Yes you do!
ME: Well, sometimes. It...wait, how?
ME: How have you read those books? Or any books for that matter?
RUSTY: I use your glasses.
ME: No, I, nevermind.
RUSTY: So where have you been? You smell funny.
ME: You might smell my buddy's cat. He's pretty friendly.
RUSTY: I thought I was your buddy.
ME: Humans have more than one friend.
RUSTY: I knew that. I was just surprised YOU  did.
ME: You're a ray of sunshine, anyone ever tell you that?
RUSTY: It's an interesting smell. (Sniffles STUPID HUMAN's leg) Felis catus Linnaeus. (Sniffs) Male. Intact, the lucky bastard.
ME: That's right. That's not bad.
RUSTY: (Sniffs again) Orange tabby. Polydactyl.
ME: Poly whattle?
RUSTY: Thumbs. Shut up a second. (Sniffs) His standard diet is salmon-flavored kibble. He pooped right before he rubbed up against you. HA! There's
THAT mystery solved. He was wiping with you.
ME: Eh, go back to Iran.
RUSTY: That's Persia, infidel. (Sniffs) He mated with a female Siamese with a notched ear and no tail about six hours ago.
ME: OK, I'm calling bullshit here. How can you know that by the smell?
RUSTY: Call up your friend and ask him if there's a cat like that in the neighborhood.
ME: I will do no such thing.
RUSTY: Then accept my genius. BOW TO ME!
ME: I'm about to make the stupidest phone call of my life.
RUSTY: I doubt that very much.
RUSTY: Well?
ME: Female Siamese with a notched ear and no tail in the apartment above them.
RUSTY: You know what you have to do.
ME: mumble mumble mumble...
RUSTY: WHAT? Speak up, Ape man! I can't quite hear you.
ME: I bow to thee, I bow to thee, I bow to thee.
RUSTY: Next time, I'd like it in Latin. It'd be "inflecto vobis."
ME: Kill you in your sleep.
RUSTY: What?
ME: Nothing.

June 24: Funny, the Things You Miss

RUSTY: I keep hearing about what it means when cats blink at you. You've got it all wrong, you know.
ME: It doesn't mean that you're fond of us?
RUSTY: Nope.
ME: Or that you trust us?
RUSTY: Certainly not.
ME: Well what does it mean, then?
RUSTY: That we're sick to death of the sight of you.
ME: Ha ha.
RUSTY: Seriously. A cat blinks at you, he can't look at you for another second.
ME: Does this count as your mandatory daily insult of humankind?
RUSTY: I do have a quota.
ME: Everyone needs a goal, man.
RUSTY: See, you understand me. If you ever let me out, we could be a team. We could solve crimes. Make the world better for an hour once a week.
ME: You need to watch less TV.
RUSTY: Seriously. It would be epic. You and me. Putting the bad guys away and saying cool stuff for the camera.
ME: Yeah, they'll tune in by the dozen.
RUSTY: Can you see it? "Claw and Order?"
ME: "Jake and the Cat Man?"
RUSTY: "NYPD Blue Persian?"
ME: "C-A-T: Miami?"
RUSTY: Good one. I could whip off my shades, look at the camera, and say "looks like this one...crossed the rainbow bridge." Then cue Roger Daltrey screaming.
ME:"Catney and Lacey?"
RUSTY: We're done with this.
ME: Sorry.
RUSTY: Gotta know when to stop.
ME: I know.
RUSTY: Besides, in that scenario I'm obviously Catney - does that mean you're gonna be Lacey?
ME: It was just a title.
RUSTY: No, no, no, I think there's more here. You secretly want to be Marybeth Lacey!
ME: She was a handsome woman, back then.
RUSTY: Yeah, she could rock a calf-length frumpy skirt like no one in the business.
ME: Hey - that's Tyne Daly you're making fun of. Back it up a bit, there, four legs.
RUSTY: Oh my god you DO have a thing for her! Gross!
ME: Yeah that's what happens when you still have your testicles. You remember them?
RUSTY: If having balls makes me weak in the knees for Tyne freakin' Daly, I'm glad I don't have them.
ME: Really?
RUSTY: (Pauses) No. Not really.
ME: OK then.
RUSTY: I miss my balls.
ME: That's going on your headstone.

June 20: Big Plans

RUSTY: I want a cape.
ME: Who did what to who now?
RUSTY: I want a cape.
ME: You want a cape.
RUSTY: I didn't meow it. I want a cape.
ME: And why exactly do you want a cape?
RUSTY: They're cool as hell. I saw this cat on TV with a cape and a mask, he was the coolest cat I've ever seen. And that's saying something.
ME: You watched Shrek 2 and you saw Puss-In-Boots?
RUSTY: I did.
ME: And you don't want the boots?
RUSTY: A cat with boots? Don't be absurd.
ME: Said the cat who wants a cape.
RUSTY: Don't you judge me.
ME: What would you do with a cape?
RUSTY: I would dash from place to place, and speak in an exotic accent. I wouldn't be a hero, though.
ME: Of course you wouldn't.
RUSTY: I'd be a highwayman.
ME: You'd probably want the mask, too, then.
RUSTY: (pauses) Yeah, ok, throw in the mask.
ME: Well that's a relief. They'll never be able to tell an orange Persian cat is robbing their stagecoach.
RUSTY: I'd go with a British accent. "Stand and deliver, my unarmed friends, and on the double-quick, lest ye taste my steel."
ME: So...the sword too?
RUSTY: The cat on TV had that great "hands on the hips" pose. How does he do that?
ME: It's a fairy tale, Rusty.
RUSTY: Sometimes I think so too.
ME: No, I mean the story of Puss-In-Boots, it's not real, it's a cartoon.
RUSTY (stunned): So he can't...
ME: No, pal, he can't.
RUSTY: And he doesn't...
ME: Nope.
RUSTY: The world is a cruel place sometimes.
ME: I know. (pats lap) Come on. Come up here Rusty cat, tell me all about it.
RUSTY: I think...I think I'd rather just be alone.
ME: OK, buddy.
RUSTY starts to walk away.
RUSTY: I can still have the cape, though, right?
ME: No, Rusty.
RUSTY: (mumbling) I hope that stupid cape strangles him.