July 8: Assault and Pepper

ME: What's the matter with you? Looks like you went twelve rounds with Joe Frasier.
RUSTY: Joe Frasier wouldn't last two minutes against my unleashed fury - which I swear to god I am THIS CLOSE to showing you now.
ME: Dude, chillax.
RUSTY: Don't you EVER use that word in my presence.
ME: Just tell me what's bothering you.
RUSTY: You gotta talk to her, man.
ME: Who?
RUSTY: Your mate.
ME: And in what incredibly not-perturbing way did she perturb you this time?
RUSTY: She's trying to amputate my paws.
ME: Without knowing the story, I'm going to go ahead and assume that she is not, in fact, trying to amputate your paws.
RUSTY: She's got this thing. It could snap my forepaw like nothing.
ME: She's trying to clip your nails, Rusty.
RUSTY: Well she can knock that shit off right now.
ME: Have you seen what you do to this house?
RUSTY: Instill a sense of gravitas and dry yet insightful sense of humor?
ME: You destroy everything.
RUSTY (taken aback): Beg pardon?
ME: Sofa arms. Blankets. Table legs too. Every vertical surface disfigured by you. You killed the shower curtain and pulled down the rings.
RUSTY: "These are a few of my favorite things..."
ME: Pull it together, man. I need you to focus.
RUSTY: Sorry.
ME: You need to keep your claws trimmed.
RUSTY: All of a sudden you need a manicure to stay in this joint?
ME: Seriously. What does it hurt?
RUSTY: You mean, besides my pride, my own tenuous grip on my glory days of freedom, and my last shreds of feline honor? I don't think so, Jack.
ME: Why were you just looking away?
RUSTY: I was facing the camera.
ME: Dude you have GOT to start watching less TV.
RUSTY: I like TV.
ME: Let me make you a proposition.
RUSTY: I'm listening.
ME: You may keep your nails as long as you like.
RUSTY: If...
ME: I have two conditions.
RUSTY: Now who's creating melodrama?
ME: When there is a turd stuck to your fur, you must remove it yourself, immediately after discovery. We will no longer perform this task.
RUSTY: FORGET IT.
ME: I thought you'd see things my way,
RUSTY: Just out of curiosity, what was the other condition?
ME: I didn't think you'd ever even want to hear it.
RUSTY: Just tell me.
ME: You were gonna have to walk into a hardware store and buy mouse traps, and say "I need these because I'm a terrible mouser and a BAD KITTY," while I took pictures and threw stuff at you.
RUSTY: It was just a shower curtain, man, let go of the anger.