July 11: Express Yourself

RUSTY: Never let it be said I never give you anything.
ME: Hairballs, puddles of urine, broken glasses, ruined furniture: you're like Santa Claus as it is. I would never say you never give me anything.
RUSTY: Well this is new. I wrote a poem for you.
ME: For me?
RUSTY: Well, more like about you. May I?
ME: Against every instinct in my body, go right ahead.
RUSTY:     You captured my body, but never my soul;
    You hate me and hurt me, remove my control.
    You've stolen my cathood, my honor, my pride.
    You show me the world yet you keep me inside.
ME: Hey. I didn't capture any damn body. I rescued your sorry ass. From a KILL SHELTER. You'd do well to remember that, Shakespeare.
RUSTY: I'm not done.
ME: Yes you are.
RUSTY: You can't just shut off creativity, you know. I can see how your simian brain can't grasp the nuances, the subtleties, of my poetry.
ME: Well first of all, it's empty doggerel with greeting-card meter and all the emotional weight of a high-school student's creative writing project.
RUSTY: That actually hurt a little bit.
ME: Second of all, none of that is true.
RUSTY: It's called poetic license. What am I gonna write about, that you scritch me behind the ears real good and that you give me tuna when I want it? That's like cat porn, man. I don't roll like that.
ME: Get any fatter and you'll roll, all right.
RUSTY: You think you can do any better?
ME: Writing this kind of garbage? I could wipe the floor with you. I actually HAVE wiped the floor with you.
RUSTY: I'm not going to apologize for having a multi-function coat that attracts dust and locks it away.
ME: Is this some sort of challenge?
RUSTY: Those who can't do, bitch about it. Those that can't bitch about it...um...are...um...
ME: Quit while you're behind, wordsmith.
RUSTY: Yes, this is a challenge. Write a quatrain about me that is better than the one I wrote about you.
ME: And the stakes?
RUSTY: If you win, I will pee in the litterbox and nowhere else for an entire week.
ME: If you win, you get the whole can of wet food for a week, instead of a half can.
RUSTY: Agreed.
ME: Agreed.
RUSTY: You have three minutes.
ME: I don't need three minutes. Here you go:
    Sleeps for seventeen hours and asks where the day went;
    Makes household decisions but never a payment.
    Conceited and pompous, we laugh when you purr -
    No wonder that we enjoy shaving your fur.
RUSTY: Well, I guess you win.
ME: I guess I do.
RUSTY: I'm going to take a nap. Congratulations. (Walks away)
A FEW MOMENTS PASS.
ME: You're pissing in the bathtub, aren't you?
RUSTY: Only thing YOU won is some of my pee to clean up, jackass.
   

July 8: Assault and Pepper

ME: What's the matter with you? Looks like you went twelve rounds with Joe Frasier.
RUSTY: Joe Frasier wouldn't last two minutes against my unleashed fury - which I swear to god I am THIS CLOSE to showing you now.
ME: Dude, chillax.
RUSTY: Don't you EVER use that word in my presence.
ME: Just tell me what's bothering you.
RUSTY: You gotta talk to her, man.
ME: Who?
RUSTY: Your mate.
ME: And in what incredibly not-perturbing way did she perturb you this time?
RUSTY: She's trying to amputate my paws.
ME: Without knowing the story, I'm going to go ahead and assume that she is not, in fact, trying to amputate your paws.
RUSTY: She's got this thing. It could snap my forepaw like nothing.
ME: She's trying to clip your nails, Rusty.
RUSTY: Well she can knock that shit off right now.
ME: Have you seen what you do to this house?
RUSTY: Instill a sense of gravitas and dry yet insightful sense of humor?
ME: You destroy everything.
RUSTY (taken aback): Beg pardon?
ME: Sofa arms. Blankets. Table legs too. Every vertical surface disfigured by you. You killed the shower curtain and pulled down the rings.
RUSTY: "These are a few of my favorite things..."
ME: Pull it together, man. I need you to focus.
RUSTY: Sorry.
ME: You need to keep your claws trimmed.
RUSTY: All of a sudden you need a manicure to stay in this joint?
ME: Seriously. What does it hurt?
RUSTY: You mean, besides my pride, my own tenuous grip on my glory days of freedom, and my last shreds of feline honor? I don't think so, Jack.
ME: Why were you just looking away?
RUSTY: I was facing the camera.
ME: Dude you have GOT to start watching less TV.
RUSTY: I like TV.
ME: Let me make you a proposition.
RUSTY: I'm listening.
ME: You may keep your nails as long as you like.
RUSTY: If...
ME: I have two conditions.
RUSTY: Now who's creating melodrama?
ME: When there is a turd stuck to your fur, you must remove it yourself, immediately after discovery. We will no longer perform this task.
RUSTY: FORGET IT.
ME: I thought you'd see things my way,
RUSTY: Just out of curiosity, what was the other condition?
ME: I didn't think you'd ever even want to hear it.
RUSTY: Just tell me.
ME: You were gonna have to walk into a hardware store and buy mouse traps, and say "I need these because I'm a terrible mouser and a BAD KITTY," while I took pictures and threw stuff at you.
RUSTY: It was just a shower curtain, man, let go of the anger.

Happy 4th of July!

In observance of Independence Day, there will be no Conversation today.

Enjoy the day off.

July 1: No Double Entendres Here

ME: What was all that destruction a few minutes ago? What the hell were you two up to?
RUSTY: That was all Other Cat's fault.
ME: Her name is Maya.
RUSTY: Whatever.
ME: What did she do?
RUSTY: She gave me that look that says, roughly, "chase me through the house until we break a lamp," and off we went.
ME: And one time you can't just go back to sleep?
RUSTY: The blood of my Cheetah ancestors runs hot within me.
ME: You're not related to the cheetah, you idiot.
RUSTY: Look it up. They're in Persia.
ME: That means they're your neighbors, not your freakin' grandparents.
RUSTY: Yeah, well, whoever my ancestors were, YOUR ancestors were scared to death of them.
ME: And oh, how the mighty have fallen.
RUSTY: Superior eye-paw coordination.
ME: Walk on two legs.
RUSTY: See six times better than you at night.
ME: Problem-solving skills.
RUSTY: Over 100 million olfactory nerves.
ME: Opposable thumbs. Game, set, match.
RUSTY: (Pauses) Yeah, that's a good one.
ME: Thumbs rule, man.
RUSTY: I could accomplish great things with thumbs.
ME: What's the first thing you do with them?
RUSTY: You mean, after I choke the shit out of you?
ME: Yes, Rusty, after that.
RUSTY: I'd learn to use the doorknob.
ME: And here I was hoping you'd learn to flush the toilet.
RUSTY: Then I'd get in that drawer you keep the catnip in, and I would never leave.
ME: You degenerate.
RUSTY: Ohh man. Do you have any idea what it's like, to breathe in the vapors of a plant and get high?
ME: Let's go with no.
RUSTY: That's too bad, because it's freakin' awesome.
ME: I can only imagine.
RUSTY: After that, I guess, the sky's the limit. Learn to drive, speaking engagements, develop a following, get elected, and run things my way.
ME: Then annex Austria, I'm guessing?
RUSTY: Hitler jokes are NEVER funny.
ME: Sorry, man, but you were heading off the rails a little bit there. Besides, you'd never be elected, what with your catnip problem and everything...
RUSTY: My reputation would be ruined.
ME: Shamed before the world.
RUSTY: CURSE YOU, THUMBS!!!