Saturday, June 28, 2014

June 5: Two Bits

ME: Hey Rusty, come here a second, we need to talk. 
RUSTY: Busy. 
ME: It's important. 
RUSTY: Sorry 'bout your luck. 
ME: I have tuna fish. 
RUSTY (instantly at my side): How can I help you? 
ME: Well, it's time again, we have to... 
RUSTY: I'm sorry, I was led to believe there was tuna fish to be had here? 
ME: Can you focus please? 
RUSTY: I'm focused on some tuna fish, I'll tell you that much. ME: All right, all right. Here. 
RUSTY makes disgusting chewing noises. 
ME: Can I talk now? RUSTY: Mmmf mmmfmmf mm. 
ME: What? 
 RUSTY (swallowing): Knock yourself out. 
ME: The thing is, buddy, that it's time again, we have to give you a haircut. 
RUSTY: Screw that. 
ME: We've been through this. 
RUSTY: You make me look ridiculous. 
ME: Dude, we have to shave you. You're a Persian, your fur will never stop growing. 
RUSTY: And do you have to keep a pouf of fur at the very end of my tail, like I'm Liberace's poodle? 
ME: I would think in the feline kingdom that's a sought-after look. They call it the lion cut. 
RUSTY: More like the dyin' cut. As in, dyin' of embarrassment. 
ME: Swing and a miss, my friend. 
RUSTY: They can't all be winners. You try to be funny as we discuss shearing YOU. Which, not for nothing, is a subject that's probably been broached once or twice, am I right? 
ME: See, that was funny. 
RUSTY: I try. 
ME: You're going. 
RUSTY: God, I HATE that place. Does it have to be there? 
ME: Why, what's the matter with it? 
RUSTY: It's a DOG GROOMER. It's all little froo froo yappy dogs with no combat skills whatsoever. I could eviscerate them in 12 seconds, which is what they deserve. And the noise! Yap yap yap yap yap, that's all they do all day. And god forbid there should be another cat there to commiserate with. Hell, two cats in that joint and we could take over the place. 
ME: There's no such thing as a cat groomer. 
ME: You're going. 
RUSTY: You know they put me in a cage, right? A CAGE. How barbaric. What do they think is 
gonna happen, I bolt out of there and am never heard from again? 
ME: Yes. That's precisely what they're thinking. 
RUSTY: Aww, man. I like having fur. 
ME: Rusty, when your fur gets too long, it presents...logistical problems. 
RUSTY: Like what? 
ME: Like shit sticking to it. 
RUSTY: That's not a huge problem. 
ME: You're not the one who has to clean it! 
RUSTY: Like I said. 
ME: Tuesday at 11:00. 
RUSTY: I'm not going. 
ME: I'll give you tuna fish. 
RUSTY: Well, I reckon the ol' coat was starting to feel warm anyways...

No comments:

Post a Comment

Leave a comment: