Friday, July 11, 2014

July 11: Express Yourself

RUSTY: Never let it be said I never give you anything.
ME: Hairballs, puddles of urine, broken glasses, ruined furniture: you're like Santa Claus as it is. I would never say you never give me anything.
RUSTY: Well this is new. I wrote a poem for you.
ME: For me?
RUSTY: Well, more like about you. May I?
ME: Against every instinct in my body, go right ahead.
RUSTY:     You captured my body, but never my soul;
    You hate me and hurt me, remove my control.
    You've stolen my cathood, my honor, my pride.
    You show me the world yet you keep me inside.
ME: Hey. I didn't capture any damn body. I rescued your sorry ass. From a KILL SHELTER. You'd do well to remember that, Shakespeare.
RUSTY: I'm not done.
ME: Yes you are.
RUSTY: You can't just shut off creativity, you know. I can see how your simian brain can't grasp the nuances, the subtleties, of my poetry.
ME: Well first of all, it's empty doggerel with greeting-card meter and all the emotional weight of a high-school student's creative writing project.
RUSTY: That actually hurt a little bit.
ME: Second of all, none of that is true.
RUSTY: It's called poetic license. What am I gonna write about, that you scritch me behind the ears real good and that you give me tuna when I want it? That's like cat porn, man. I don't roll like that.
ME: Get any fatter and you'll roll, all right.
RUSTY: You think you can do any better?
ME: Writing this kind of garbage? I could wipe the floor with you. I actually HAVE wiped the floor with you.
RUSTY: I'm not going to apologize for having a multi-function coat that attracts dust and locks it away.
ME: Is this some sort of challenge?
RUSTY: Those who can't do, bitch about it. Those that can't bitch about
ME: Quit while you're behind, wordsmith.
RUSTY: Yes, this is a challenge. Write a quatrain about me that is better than the one I wrote about you.
ME: And the stakes?
RUSTY: If you win, I will pee in the litterbox and nowhere else for an entire week.
ME: If you win, you get the whole can of wet food for a week, instead of a half can.
RUSTY: Agreed.
ME: Agreed.
RUSTY: You have three minutes.
ME: I don't need three minutes. Here you go:
    Sleeps for seventeen hours and asks where the day went;
    Makes household decisions but never a payment.
    Conceited and pompous, we laugh when you purr -
    No wonder that we enjoy shaving your fur.
RUSTY: Well, I guess you win.
ME: I guess I do.
RUSTY: I'm going to take a nap. Congratulations. (Walks away)
ME: You're pissing in the bathtub, aren't you?
RUSTY: Only thing YOU won is some of my pee to clean up, jackass.

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

July 8: Assault and Pepper

ME: What's the matter with you? Looks like you went twelve rounds with Joe Frasier.
RUSTY: Joe Frasier wouldn't last two minutes against my unleashed fury - which I swear to god I am THIS CLOSE to showing you now.
ME: Dude, chillax.
RUSTY: Don't you EVER use that word in my presence.
ME: Just tell me what's bothering you.
RUSTY: You gotta talk to her, man.
ME: Who?
RUSTY: Your mate.
ME: And in what incredibly not-perturbing way did she perturb you this time?
RUSTY: She's trying to amputate my paws.
ME: Without knowing the story, I'm going to go ahead and assume that she is not, in fact, trying to amputate your paws.
RUSTY: She's got this thing. It could snap my forepaw like nothing.
ME: She's trying to clip your nails, Rusty.
RUSTY: Well she can knock that shit off right now.
ME: Have you seen what you do to this house?
RUSTY: Instill a sense of gravitas and dry yet insightful sense of humor?
ME: You destroy everything.
RUSTY (taken aback): Beg pardon?
ME: Sofa arms. Blankets. Table legs too. Every vertical surface disfigured by you. You killed the shower curtain and pulled down the rings.
RUSTY: "These are a few of my favorite things..."
ME: Pull it together, man. I need you to focus.
RUSTY: Sorry.
ME: You need to keep your claws trimmed.
RUSTY: All of a sudden you need a manicure to stay in this joint?
ME: Seriously. What does it hurt?
RUSTY: You mean, besides my pride, my own tenuous grip on my glory days of freedom, and my last shreds of feline honor? I don't think so, Jack.
ME: Why were you just looking away?
RUSTY: I was facing the camera.
ME: Dude you have GOT to start watching less TV.
RUSTY: I like TV.
ME: Let me make you a proposition.
RUSTY: I'm listening.
ME: You may keep your nails as long as you like.
RUSTY: If...
ME: I have two conditions.
RUSTY: Now who's creating melodrama?
ME: When there is a turd stuck to your fur, you must remove it yourself, immediately after discovery. We will no longer perform this task.
ME: I thought you'd see things my way,
RUSTY: Just out of curiosity, what was the other condition?
ME: I didn't think you'd ever even want to hear it.
RUSTY: Just tell me.
ME: You were gonna have to walk into a hardware store and buy mouse traps, and say "I need these because I'm a terrible mouser and a BAD KITTY," while I took pictures and threw stuff at you.
RUSTY: It was just a shower curtain, man, let go of the anger.

Friday, July 4, 2014

Happy 4th of July!

In observance of Independence Day, there will be no Conversation today.

Enjoy the day off.

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

July 1: No Double Entendres Here

ME: What was all that destruction a few minutes ago? What the hell were you two up to?
RUSTY: That was all Other Cat's fault.
ME: Her name is Maya.
RUSTY: Whatever.
ME: What did she do?
RUSTY: She gave me that look that says, roughly, "chase me through the house until we break a lamp," and off we went.
ME: And one time you can't just go back to sleep?
RUSTY: The blood of my Cheetah ancestors runs hot within me.
ME: You're not related to the cheetah, you idiot.
RUSTY: Look it up. They're in Persia.
ME: That means they're your neighbors, not your freakin' grandparents.
RUSTY: Yeah, well, whoever my ancestors were, YOUR ancestors were scared to death of them.
ME: And oh, how the mighty have fallen.
RUSTY: Superior eye-paw coordination.
ME: Walk on two legs.
RUSTY: See six times better than you at night.
ME: Problem-solving skills.
RUSTY: Over 100 million olfactory nerves.
ME: Opposable thumbs. Game, set, match.
RUSTY: (Pauses) Yeah, that's a good one.
ME: Thumbs rule, man.
RUSTY: I could accomplish great things with thumbs.
ME: What's the first thing you do with them?
RUSTY: You mean, after I choke the shit out of you?
ME: Yes, Rusty, after that.
RUSTY: I'd learn to use the doorknob.
ME: And here I was hoping you'd learn to flush the toilet.
RUSTY: Then I'd get in that drawer you keep the catnip in, and I would never leave.
ME: You degenerate.
RUSTY: Ohh man. Do you have any idea what it's like, to breathe in the vapors of a plant and get high?
ME: Let's go with no.
RUSTY: That's too bad, because it's freakin' awesome.
ME: I can only imagine.
RUSTY: After that, I guess, the sky's the limit. Learn to drive, speaking engagements, develop a following, get elected, and run things my way.
ME: Then annex Austria, I'm guessing?
RUSTY: Hitler jokes are NEVER funny.
ME: Sorry, man, but you were heading off the rails a little bit there. Besides, you'd never be elected, what with your catnip problem and everything...
RUSTY: My reputation would be ruined.
ME: Shamed before the world.